I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
How's work?
Spinning.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
