I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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