Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
