hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think I have vodka in my lungs
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
