if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
