my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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