i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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