Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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