Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
