i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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