and she was petting her beer can
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Come share oat with me in your robe
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
