So drunk, too bad you don't want this
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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