cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
