Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
