Some one left their pants in the elevator.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
