my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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