You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize