Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
