god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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