Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
