I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
