the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
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