just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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