I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
