just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
