Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
