He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
