Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
