my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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