hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
