Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
