babies were throwing up all over the place
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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