yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
