I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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