"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just threw up on my dentist
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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