I think I died a long time ago.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
