You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
