So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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