He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
