I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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