I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You need a sexual gate keeper
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
