New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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