I wish life had little blips of pornography
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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