some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
