I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
