I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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