New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
