we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
