I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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