I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I smell like Dick and happiness
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
