I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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