he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
