help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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