Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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